My Birthing Story...My Lost Battle

"A Baby is as pure as an angel and as fresh as a Blooming Flower".I was in my last trimester,round as a ball,uncomfortable as a squashed potato,forever hungry as if fasting and forgetful like a baby.Also looked clumsy.But trust me the attention that a huge clumsy pregnant woman gets is no mean feat.Just imagine its little squeal when the baby reaches your arms and you wonder in amazement "Was this little one inside your belly all along?"

          I was in my 35th week just visited my midwife couple of days back coming home to the fact that there was still time for the big day.I was working from the first week till this day when i felt that i should start pampering myself  and start nesting.So I took a break from work and started shopping for the baby.I was at my moms place and had not done any preparations for the D-Day as I thought there was still time. On 11th March Midnight my membranes released (Water Broke) and instinctively I knew my hospital stay was going to begin tonight.At around 3 a.m I was already at the hospital with no dilation at all.All my family members and my husband were around all the time. At around 10 a.m I was administered a drug and I threw up.I panicked.They said this was just to hasten the dilation whereas i was not dilated at all. Due to the panic attack post the drug my dilation completely stopped.For the next few hours I felt no progress at all. At the same time I saw ladies in labor and they been taken to the Operation Theater.I again panicked why it was not happening to me.There were several test on and off but no progress with my dilation. I even remember drinking a whole bottle of castor oil to get into natural labor but it just didn't happen.At around 6 p.m in the evening my doctor came-in and said she would be taking me in for C-Section as my water was drying and labor was not happening and any further delay would pose a risk to my baby.

       Within minutes I remember being wheeled into the OT.I was scared as they didn't allow any family members inside.There were mixed emotions.I always knew throughout I wanted to have give natural birth and I had a very healthy pregnancy and here I was 5 weeks early going in for C-Section.Now I had to fight with every ounce of energy.My baby came out poked and prodded and was at the neonatology before being given to me.I was awake but could not latch my baby as i had so wanted always within the first few minutes of his birth.

      I had trouble establishing a good latch.I had stitches that hurt like as if death was better.I have a scar on my soul for life that my baby could never latch and was Formula Fed forever.Now have chosen to be stronger.To inspire women to take care and control of their birthing process.To help woman to not repeat the mistakes I made.To spread love and awareness from one woman To other.

       Now I've bounced back and enjoying the things I always wanted to after my delivery.....Sneeze comfortably...Laughing so that me and my tummy don't look like two separate entities....Sleeping on my stomach....Drinking Tea that i had avoided throughout my pregnancy...Eat Chinese and Pani Puri....And last but not the least Jump and Dance my Heart Out.

          And to conclude my motherhood has been the phase my life.

Come running to me...She said to him...

Come to me, baby...
Break away from the shackles
Let your heart rule your head for just this one time...

Run,Run,Run....
For I am waiting for you across the valley...
For I am tired of that breeze which brings the fragrance of your Beauty .

Relationships...

John Bradshaw outlines four general of a long-term, healthy relationship stages...

* Infatuation - This is the "Honeymoon" or courtship period. It's a time when the biological processes involved with procreation are most pronounced.

Bradshaw points out that this is when the brain is being bathed in testosterone, dopamine, and other internal feel-good chemicals... Some people even report feeling dizzy or like their head is spinning during this stage.

There is a healthy codependency as the two merge emotionally into one... this over-connection is intoxicating. They may want to spend all their time together... can't stop thinking about each other, etc. In this period it may actually be "cute" to notice that your new partner has a habit of leaving the cap off the toothpaste.

Since the feelings are so strong there is a tendency to idealize the other person because "no one else can make me feel this way". There is peace and harmony because your new mate "can do no wrong." But eventually the chemical bath subsides - usually in three to six months - it paves the way for disillusionment and conflict...

* Disillusionment & Conflict - In this stage the balloon bursts and reality sets in as our bio-chemistry returns to its normal steady-state. Now I suddenly realize that leaving the cap off the toothpaste really bugs me... It's not cute anymore and I don't have to take it!

Even healthy relationships go through this period of conflict early on. It's a time when neural networks are being updated and new ones created in order to adjust to living with someone. There is an instinctive jockeying for position in the newly forming status-quo. Just remember...it's a normal relationship stage and "this too will pass".

The fighting in this stage is healthy counter-dependency... It's healthy because it helps us to separate a bit from the over-connectedness of courtship.

Major life changes always bring on extra stress...even good changes. When we are under ongoing stress the "fight-or-flight" response can be triggered easily and often.

If we are aware that this relationship stage is normal it's much easier to work through. If we are unaware, then we might wake up one morning and say..."Oh...migod! What have I gotten myself into!" (isn't it interesting how we automatically want to pray when we're in trouble!)

In this relationship stage, we have gathered a list of negative things about our partner that we "never noticed before". It's a good time to remember this statement..."Whoever you are in a relationship with says as much about you as it does them."

I mean this as a reminder of what I refer to as the subconscious synchronization of compatible neural networks... When we "click" with someone it is because our "Love Maps" mesh with each other on a conscious AND a subconscious level. (By the way, if you were aware of that it wouldn't be subconscious)

* "My life, Your Life, Our Life" - If we make it to this stage we have a good chance of staying in it for the long haul. This is were we establish healthy boundaries - a balance of separateness and connectedness. I have my life, you have your life, and we have our life.

We have pretty much accepted most of the blemishes of our partner and love them anyway. People in a healthy relationship can do that you know - love someone even though they don't like some things about them. It's called differentiation and it is a sign that you are very close to true intimacy.

* Intimacy - This is the most elusive of the relationship stages. In my opinion true intimacy is the ability to share who you really are with another person. This implies they are able to share who they really are with you.

The relationship stage of Intimacy may take up to 15 or 20 years to develop... depending on the investment both of you make in your relationship. In this stage you know each other so well that you can finish each other's sentences... but you still enjoy talking to each other anyway.

Longevity is no guarantee that a couple can achieve intimacy... there have been many people married for 25 or more years who never really knew one another.

If you have grown up in a less-than-nurturing home then you may have trouble with this one. You must have access to your True-Self before you can share it with another. It may help to read all four parts of the "Iceberg" if you cannot fully answer the question... "who are you?"

This came to be...

Life has a way of unexpectedly pulling the rug from under your feet.Till this happened 2 me,I always thought these are the kind of things that happen to other people.These are the kind of things that happen in Bollywood movies.These are the kind of things that I read about and heard about.It can never happen to me...
Yet it did.Healthy people don't drop down dead for no reason.
But 19th Nov'2009 was not a usual day.Well to start off with the day started as usual it was a Friday.We all started off with our daily chores as usual,ignorant & unaware of something that was happening in another part of the same city.Something that would shatter my confidence & completely change my outlook towards life.
Though it was a usual day something was amiss.MOM n ME had done with the evening Puja that suddenly I got a call from my brother saying that my sister was dead.
I was in a daze.I dunno what hit me.I think when something like this happens,we go into a denial mode to cope.My dad had been to her place the night before.There were some tensions in her family but she committing SUICIDE(burning herself to death)was not something that was acceptable to anyone in my family.This could not be true,this could not just be happening.
My Mom I knew instinctively would not be able to bear this brunt.It was too difficult for me to control the impact of the news I had just heard & also at the same time to break it to my Mom.It was my aunt who came to our house at around 8:30pm and broke the news to her.Her reaction as expected was a very violent one,actually it was that of complete pain,anger,denial as none of us were ready to accept the fact that my sister would commit suicide and that her in laws were responsible for it.I was stoic and tried my level best to comfort her.
The cremation ceremony was supposed to happen at her in laws place.Incidences of that day are still very fresh in my mind.My moms state broke me down completely.For days I could not sleep.Each day when I woke up,the first thought that occurred to me was my sister was no more- & first concern was hers kids safety who were with her in laws.
People dunno how to respond when someone talks about death.There is usually an uncomfortable silence.There was a shattering discovery that I had made,the people we call as family and relatives were just so casual about something drastic that had happened to me and my parents.I realized the true side of life.I realized in the true sense who really cared and who just carry masks and realized NOT EVERYONE WHO LAUGHS WITH YOU IS A FRIEND,FAMILY OR RELATIVE...
I remember I got completely numb after this incident.I became a complete pessimist,I even lost my appetite,I even went till the extent of getting so scared that I used to not move out from one room to other without my mom along with me.Little by little people stopped visiting and I,my brother any my parents were left with our grief.
LAUGH AND OTHERS LAUGH WITH YOU CRY AND U CRY ALONE.I was rapidly discovering that dis idiom is indeed true.I knew that under these circumstances it was me who should have taken care of my parents but it was the other way round.I was unable to cope up with this incident when my Mom pushed me to take up a job.Soon after I took up a job which consumed my entire time and mental energy.
I started getting used to the routine again though these things can never escape your memories how much one tries.I was now limping back to life.I realized how fragile life could be and we really have to live life without regrets.I realized the value of being healthy- & the value of having one more day to live

I Like....

* My innocent childhood days

*That carefree, happy smile...

* Waking up to petting ...

* My shorts,20 year old pals,my broken knees ...

* Fresh lime ...

*A mental struggle that drains me...

*A lazy day when there is no work for hands at all ...

*An outburst of laughter...



damn....life wass beautiful :)