John Bradshaw outlines four general of a long-term, healthy relationship stages...
* Infatuation - This is the "Honeymoon" or courtship period. It's a time when the biological processes involved with procreation are most pronounced.
Bradshaw points out that this is when the brain is being bathed in testosterone, dopamine, and other internal feel-good chemicals... Some people even report feeling dizzy or like their head is spinning during this stage.
There is a healthy codependency as the two merge emotionally into one... this over-connection is intoxicating. They may want to spend all their time together... can't stop thinking about each other, etc. In this period it may actually be "cute" to notice that your new partner has a habit of leaving the cap off the toothpaste.
Since the feelings are so strong there is a tendency to idealize the other person because "no one else can make me feel this way". There is peace and harmony because your new mate "can do no wrong." But eventually the chemical bath subsides - usually in three to six months - it paves the way for disillusionment and conflict...
* Disillusionment & Conflict - In this stage the balloon bursts and reality sets in as our bio-chemistry returns to its normal steady-state. Now I suddenly realize that leaving the cap off the toothpaste really bugs me... It's not cute anymore and I don't have to take it!
Even healthy relationships go through this period of conflict early on. It's a time when neural networks are being updated and new ones created in order to adjust to living with someone. There is an instinctive jockeying for position in the newly forming status-quo. Just remember...it's a normal relationship stage and "this too will pass".
The fighting in this stage is healthy counter-dependency... It's healthy because it helps us to separate a bit from the over-connectedness of courtship.
Major life changes always bring on extra stress...even good changes. When we are under ongoing stress the "fight-or-flight" response can be triggered easily and often.
If we are aware that this relationship stage is normal it's much easier to work through. If we are unaware, then we might wake up one morning and say..."Oh...migod! What have I gotten myself into!" (isn't it interesting how we automatically want to pray when we're in trouble!)
In this relationship stage, we have gathered a list of negative things about our partner that we "never noticed before". It's a good time to remember this statement..."Whoever you are in a relationship with says as much about you as it does them."
I mean this as a reminder of what I refer to as the subconscious synchronization of compatible neural networks... When we "click" with someone it is because our "Love Maps" mesh with each other on a conscious AND a subconscious level. (By the way, if you were aware of that it wouldn't be subconscious)
* "My life, Your Life, Our Life" - If we make it to this stage we have a good chance of staying in it for the long haul. This is were we establish healthy boundaries - a balance of separateness and connectedness. I have my life, you have your life, and we have our life.
We have pretty much accepted most of the blemishes of our partner and love them anyway. People in a healthy relationship can do that you know - love someone even though they don't like some things about them. It's called differentiation and it is a sign that you are very close to true intimacy.
* Intimacy - This is the most elusive of the relationship stages. In my opinion true intimacy is the ability to share who you really are with another person. This implies they are able to share who they really are with you.
The relationship stage of Intimacy may take up to 15 or 20 years to develop... depending on the investment both of you make in your relationship. In this stage you know each other so well that you can finish each other's sentences... but you still enjoy talking to each other anyway.
Longevity is no guarantee that a couple can achieve intimacy... there have been many people married for 25 or more years who never really knew one another.
If you have grown up in a less-than-nurturing home then you may have trouble with this one. You must have access to your True-Self before you can share it with another. It may help to read all four parts of the "Iceberg" if you cannot fully answer the question... "who are you?"